How can the mind ever grasp the full potential ? When can it get out of the illusion of schizophrenia and let me take responsibility as a fully existent being ?
It's all so confusing and just too much for a human mind to acquire. How and when can the demon of ignorance be conquered and the True Self manifest it's Whole/Holy existence ? Where is this journey heading for ?
I have given up explaining my experiences to others. How can i explain them and expect anyone to grasp, while they are not even to grasp by my own human mind ?
I ask myself, why the need of explanation ? Am I looking for confirmation from outside world? What if there is no one else on this earth who is able to have the similar experiences in whole package ? What if they are just reflections of the whole but none is reflecting the whole completely ?
I know that some are going through some similar experiences. However many of these people are running away in fear and getting in to paranoia and are diagnosed with mental diseases and conditions and some others are making mental stories about the experiences and have found a way to earn money.
Why is the ignorance of my mind so fixed and rigid, so powerful that the physical manifestations and external reality, I am witnessing cannot be enough prove or confirmation ?
The problem, the biggest problem is, I am always the witness of those manifestations. Every dream comes to my mind, every story I think about, manifest itself in the outer world, as a third person and I am again just an observer who is lacking and longing for all those stories and scenarios. At the other hand, whatever I experience and is so weird that I cannot talk about to anyone, comes out as a fiction movie some years after!
Dreams are telling me, some how I am running away from my Power for at least the last 3-4 years. I have been running around, wandering in awe and in disbelief and looking for some thing that is very much seemingly nowhere else to find than deep in my own being. What if It is my power I am looking for, hoping to find it there outside ? What if every time I see it so clearly I am automatically forced, probably as a result of a previous conditioning to give it away, give it to some one else ? The desire to find and encounter the One there outside, while the One is nowhere else to find than here inside.
I confess. My mind cannot grasp. My human mind is just too fragile, too infirm and too exhausted.
But the calling doesn't stop, the Tiger doesn't give up chasing me.
I am always looking for answers, for knowing what to do. However I know there is no need for doing. However I know the challenge is just the integration of the being.
Moods have been alternating so drastically that I am sure the result of a conversation with a therapist will be many of the classical labels, from depression to schizophrenia but how can I explain to them that with that mind fluctuation also the reality changes ? How can I make it clear to them that physical reality and other physical being change and fluctuate with my mood's changes ? Why would I ever want to explain anymore to anyone?
What would I explain to them anyway ? That I follow stories and think about certain things and then I witness other people repeating the words in my mind or going through the same emotional or mental experiences as the stories in my mind ? Would I tell them that I talk about earthquakes and I repeat the word, 2 times and 2 huge earthquakes follow my conversation ? Would I tell them that I release my anger in a frenzy moment, while having talked about an explosion in the gulf of Mexico the day before and an Oil drilling unit explode in the other side of the world, in the gulf of Mexico and make the sea looks full of blood, exactly in the period of time that I am only thinking about the end of the world, I am reading constantly the book of revelation and the signs written in it ? Would I tell them that I meet people I do not know at all or did not meet in my life and I realize they are the manifestation of the stories in my mind, even the names are exact ? Would I tell them that I share my love with another being there outside and suddenly their dreams come in to reality, things they would never have thought possible ?
At the other hand, would I tell them that nothing in this world interest me and I have difficulty to feel life and as a human I feel so weak and so powerless ? Would I tell them that with all those stories behind, I have had only one desire and that one desire never happened and never manifested itself ? Would I tell them that I have been crying, begging god and universe to see a certain reflection there outside and every time I have had the feeling that I am encountering that one there outside, suddenly the whole reality had vanished in a wink of an eye and the whole experience left me behind in complete confusion and idiocy ?
It seems that I am the manifestation of the duality in whole that I am a powerful Word and at the same time a little, fragile mouse trapped by life, that I am not even able to cope with the human part of life, that my human life is just a collection of failures and defeats, a collection of denials and rejections, of confusions and feeling of stupidity and disappointments.
No. I don't need to explain anything to anyone any more. I don't need the confirmation of others and not even the confirmation of my own mind.
Truly, Truly, at this very moment, I accept my full power. I accept the wholeness of my being. In Gratitude to the universe and to the little fragile mouse of a human I am too. The one who had gone through all the mental challenges and is still present here. Conditions that many others had experienced in fear and in paranoia and I went through all with the power of Love. Love for God, Love for The One and obviously at the root of the story Love for Self, whom I have been searching for there outside for many eons.