Unknown

I feel very strange and it's ok. However it’s not that kind of feeling that is empowering. There is not much over of the sense of omnipotence. I decided to accept my power. I am having dreams and going through inner experiences that are not all easy to grasp with the mind but they do not leave me with a sense of power!

The 3 words, which have been repeated the most in my mind and on my tongue today is: "I DON'T KNOW" and Yes, in capital letters. Is that the stage needed in order to get access to that part of being, the un-manifest, the unknown? Or is it just that I know but I am afraid of knowing? The answer is again I don't know. I guess I must accept the fact that I don't know. I just don't know.

I even cannot dream. I am scared of dreaming or I am disappointed because of the experiences of dreaming and not seeing it happening. I have seen them happening but not for me.

Some times I want to be daring enough to ask myself if I had all the power, if I was the omnipotence, what would I want to see manifest in this life for me? But I cannot dream, because I am afraid that it will not happen and I will be even more disappointed.

How about just give it another chance and let it go? Am I daring enough to do that? I know that things had happened very clearly in front of my nose. Those were happened in the moments that I was truly in the knowingness of Omnipotence; speaking a word and then letting go of it, then to realize later that it had happened. During the last couple of days though I have not been in that knowingness and by that no words of power could come out of my mouth.

I saw in a dream couple of days ago that my ego, my enemy was sitting beside me very friendly and was talking to me words of inspiration, giving to me admiration and empowering me to go forward, to gain back all that I had lost.

If I am honest to myself at this moment and if I could act or speak from that seat of power, I would get rid of the person who had reflected to me very clearly the enemy, whatever that could mean or represent too. My will is to get rid of that person in my experience of life and my will in to have my child with me and my will is to have my house filled with those who are not polluting it but are bringing light and joy in it. And my Will is to have that mirror which reflects me back with that image and beauty which makes my life, makes my world shine in front of me. I know that I am becoming more and more aware of my love for myself, of my true worth and of my right to have a fortunate life, in all senses. I know that I have been enough experiencing misfortune and darkness and I know that darkness brought me to this point in order to know myself better and allow myself to be more and more the true me, every and each day. 

Confusion

Of course it's not news to be in confusion during the experience of life in the last couple of years but this time is different. It's a kind of confusion, which is not disturbing. I can observe the confusion and I am aware of so many unanswered questions in my mind but still can remain calm. It's like there is a state of faithlessness, even some how anger with god for not knowing what was that everything, happened to me the last couple of years and at the same time a state of trust that I do not know but I accept it as it is now and it's ok.

After almost a week of being lifeless and just moving as a piece of meat, 2 days ago I started to feel life is coming back to my body, little by little. Was that my conscious choice? I cannot say Yes to that question with confidence but it came back.

It's like stories are dying and I feel rage because some have been so painful that I still cannot grasp why I had been through them and some are so precious and I have been so attached to them that I am in a kind of grief. However I know very well, to start anew I must let go of the old, how precious they are to me too and how much I love them, even-though some were not finished yet for my opinion.

The dream was tormenting my soul for some days, the emotions of being abused, being lonely, broken and trapped were ongoing but when the emotions started to reduce I was able to see some truth in it.

I realized that I let many in my heart and they all came with their luggage. They were all reflections though. When I stopped smoking, and I asked them not to make my house stink, they all left. Maybe that was the moment I took responsibility for my house. I stopped polluting my heart, my house and those reflections that were polluting my heart were not needed any more so they had all left. I was angry and lonely but I realize now those must have left my house.

They left their garbage in my kitchen, my mind and I was disappointed to see that. Even more disappointed and sad when I saw they broke my only 2 little plates I still had, but I accepted it in sorrow. Somewhere I read that a plate could mean the hunger for life and they broke my reason for living, there were 2, and some how it can represent the story of twin flame in my mind as 2 separated saucers/beings.

That which was not clear yet, was the fact that I left my house too. I became homeless, looking for a new house, new heart. As always when I ask the question the answer comes and this time too.

The last couple of years I have been taking the responsibility for the experiences as my own creation, so each time I had faced a painful situation, I looked at it as a part of me and didn't blame whatever was happening there outside. I accepted the dark as a part of myself being reflected in a mirror. However each time I saw beauty in an experience or in a mirror, never recorded that as a part of myself, just gave all the credit to the mirror. The dark was me, being reflected back to me and the light was the mirror which of course had left when its job was finished. In my own opinion I had become more and more ugly, only the dark. Step by step I had put myself out of my heart because I could not feel any beauty of my own. I left my house, my heart completely. Those who were polluting it, must have left and those who were the beauty had never become a part of me, so then all the reflections were gone at once and my house was empty. Maybe the meaning is that when I take responsibility for my house I do not need those reflections anymore but still, it was very painful and I was very lonely.

It was a big realization of course but at the same time a very sad one, which for I could not blame anyone other than myself. I realized that nobody has the ability to put me out of my heart; nobody has the power if I don't give them that power. I decided to take over my heart, to take over my house, to go back into my house, which is mine, even if its only me there in that house and I wrote this down. I decided and I asked support to be able to love myself to give my heart to me. Maybe this time Love is coming to reside and stay, my love, which is so huge. I have seen it, I have felt it each time I had a mirror in front of me where I could see the beauty in it and each time I felt it, my whole world started to shine. Maybe I left my house to make room for the real me to enter. All is possible but I must admit I DON'T KNOW.

I feel lonely, I feel empty but it's ok.

Whatever this process is and it was in moments so confusing and so painful, but I love it, I appreciate it and I am so grateful for having had this experience. At the other hand I am sad and I am angry, some times even feel abused, like a woman who had been raped by many and left alone to die. I desire to see result and I expect reward for all the suffering.

I have no plans, no desires or maybe I have desires but I cannot think about them anymore. It's like some thing keeping me from dreaming, because I am disappointed, for the result I had in my mind was not reached.

I lost every thing in this process, I gave away every thing and it's like still nothing there outside had changed. I became a lonely person with nothing material and nothing to look for or long for. Maybe I needed to loose everything material and emotional in order to win back mySelf. I do not know.

I feel fragile, weak and powerless.

Leaving Behind Stories

Last night I had a dream that left me lifeless for an almost whole day.

I was in my house talking to a woman who seemed to be very close to me. I was talking about some food i had prepared, i think about a delicious sauce. While talking to her, I noticed that many people where moving into my house. Almost all of them had heavy luggage with them. Some of them were friends or people i knew personally some others the faces were familiar but I didn't know them very well, some others were the friends of this lady i was talking to.

They all came in and sat in a big room, it was a movie room. The room was full and every body was watching the movie, i was sitting at the end of the room watching the movie, observing the audience and smoking a cigarette. I saw some other people were smoking too but at a certain moment i realized that many are smoking and the room was almost full of smoke. I turned off my cigarette and i cannot remember I hid it in my hand or i threw it away and i went to one of those people smoking, one that i knew personally and i asked him stop smoking. It was though like my voice was loud and every body could hear it, i told him, please don't smoke so much, my whole house will smell cigarettes. Suddenly every body stood up, they took their luggage with them and they left. In a fraction of a second the whole room was empty and again i was standing there talking to this lady who was leaving too. I told her, but i prepared some delicious sauce and she said that she took the sauce with her. She will prepare some chicken for them and they will eat it with the sauce and she left too, not even asking me to go with them. They just left. Every body was gone. Nobody even said good-bye to me. I went to my kitchen, feeling very lonely. I looked around; they left their garbage in my kitchen. I looked in the sink i saw they had washed the dishes but left the garbage in the sink and i saw 2 saucers, both broken. I took one of them in my hand and i was thinking these were the only 2 i had.

Next scene i was looking for another house to move and i could not find anything. The father of my first-born was there, it was like i didn't have a close connection to him but he was also helping me to find a house. There was a room there, i guess it was in his house. I felt like it was a place where i had lived in before or he had, i am not sure but i didn't want to open that door. However it was like i had memories of the room and i didn't want to live there anymore.

Then he showed me a room telling me that i could stay there till i find a new house. I looked in. It was a bedroom and it looked like my own furniture was put there. It was clean and neat and i was surprised how exactly my closet matched the wall of this room. At the same time i had this thought that, this is ok but anyway now i am going to leave in 3 days, on 29th.

I woke up, i felt no energy in my body, no life force at all. It was like my whole body was paralyzed, completely numb and i was crying. Crying because of all those who had left me alone, even without saying goodbye and left their garbage in my heart. All those to whom i had given my love and they threw me in a trash bin and broke heart.
I think I had fever too, as it was like my body is burning under the blanket and still no power to move even for a centimeter. I felt dead and didn't mind it at all. The whole day i was laying down in bed with no force in my body, falling asleep once in a while, having dreams and again waking up in the same situation. The only thought in my head was death and i was asking god to take me, to finish this, not because i am sad but because i am exhausted and tired and absolutely no energy, no motivation or drive to do anything in this life. I asked to be freed from this body and all its limitations. Once in a while, a thought came into my mind, about what i still can do, in order to come back into life and start again but i didn't want to do anything anymore. I just wanted to leave, leave this body, leave this form and never ever come back into this level of existence. I realized how broken my heart was and how many time I did my best to come back to life to start again and again my heart was broken, those i gave my love to, always broke my heart. I just realized that i do not have any power any more; nothing was left, completely drained.

I want to trust, but even trusting needs energy and i just don't have it anymore. They say i am a tough one but today i felt that i am not anymore, that i am empty, exhausted, abused, left behind, broken and trapped.

It seems that all the stories left my soul, they took my sauce with them too or a part of it, i cannot remember. Anyway i left that house too and however i was given a room that was suiting my furniture completely but i knew that i was going to leave in 3 days, on 29th.

Running Away

Why have I been running away from my power ?

Last night I had again a soul journey. The soul flew to the past and I saw the images and realized.

I saw my beloved hanging on a cross and I felt this killing sense of being forsaken, but also the killing sense of forsaking the One I love the most. I realized by accepting and allowing the omnipotence, I must have gone through that experience. How could I get a step further than the cross and not realize, in omnipotence, I become the responsible One for the physical suffering of a human body that occurred more than a 2000 years ago ?

I cried and cried and felt the agony and helplessness of the One on the cross, the feeling of being left behind, being abandoned and I felt at the same moment being forsaken and abandoned by the One hanging on the cross.

What an experience and what a pain to go through again. But it was necessary.
I thought about the story, Life of Pi. I realized the meaning of the scene where the lam was caught and killed by the Tiger and Saw the truth of the last scene of the movie, where the conclusion comes that Pi was the Tiger.

After feeling the whole experience I reminded myself not to get attached to the experience, I reminded myself, it's not me, it's just an experience but at the same time, I realized, it is Me, it is a part of me and I love that part, the part which represents the divine weakness in the physical eyes of the human I am and I was, at one hand and the greatness of the Divine residing in that body and in this body, which is way beyond the human suffering, on the other hand.

I am grateful for the experience.
This one was most probably the one I was most scared to go through. This one was probably the one I had the most resistance to See and this one was most probably that which was keeping me from accepting my power.
It did happen though and I came out of it in Victory. I defeated the demon. I got through the strong wall of the ignorance of the mind.
I realized what I love the most was the weakness of the divine in a human body. What a huge realization.

I thought about the story of The Lonely King who was looking for the One to replace him. I heard it in a video of Mooji.
Every body was allowed to come and apply and they must have gone through stages of preparation in order to get to see the King at the end. Some had found their purpose in the Royal Baths and built business in that place, some had found their purpose in the Royal Wardrobe, designing Royal Garments and established business, Some had found their purpose in the Royal Stable by established businesses of riding the horse, some had found their purpose in the Royal Court, busy fighting each other and getting ready to become the new ministers. In each place there were some established businesses and there were people who found their purposes and were not interested in seeing the King at the end of the whole process. There was nobody to find in the last stage though that was the Temple of Holiness. There was only the cleaning boy to find there. The little 12 years old boy who was cleaning the room as from his childhood and sitting there in the corner waiting for the Lord to come.  He was the only One Fits and still is.

Only This One is Fit


There is only one ONE. This is the reason this one is called The ONE.
THE ONLY ONE WHO IS FIT.
The One who had been given the Omnipotence and the One who is running away from one's Omnipotence as it means one's responsibility for the One's human suffering, One's weakness and One's damaged human body on a cross.

Thank you Lord, Father, All, Everything, Me, I, Eye for this experience, for choosing me, for seeing the significance of my being NOTHING.
Help me open my heart in your LOVE, help me open my heart to Self Love. Help me Love myself for my weaknesses and for my mistakes and my failures. Open my eyes to my whole abilities. Give me strength to take full responsibility. Help me get healed from all the wounds.

I AM YOU.


This Divine plan is so beautifully set.
Only in Loving your weakness, and accepting your weakness, will your power be gained.
The Sophia, The Divine Wisdom.

What a Greatness is present in that so called weakness, seen from the human point of view. Of course only in becoming Great, that greatness shows itself, manifest itself.

The One person called Jesus, who came to show god, what is its weakness. The one who is called names like, fagot or chicken, he manifested the absolute greatness of being a human and Divine at the same moment in the same body.
A human-being who is not even afraid of the death and not even afraid of the pain and human suffering in his path of allowing the divine to present its greatness.
He is called weakness, he is called a fagot and he is called a chicken by those who are so small in their beings that are still running around like headless chickens in fear of not having money, in fear of disease, in fear of suffering, in fear of tomorrow and that which it brings and in fear of death.

ONLY GREATNESS SEES GREATNESS.

Accepting Power

How can the mind ever grasp the full potential ? When can it get out of the illusion of schizophrenia and let me take responsibility as a fully existent being ?

It's all so confusing and just too much for a human mind to acquire. How and when can the demon of ignorance be conquered and the True Self manifest it's Whole/Holy existence ? Where is this journey heading for ?

I have given up explaining my experiences to others. How can i explain them and expect anyone to grasp, while they are not even to grasp by my own human mind ?

I ask myself, why the need of explanation ? Am I looking for confirmation from outside world? What if there is no one else on this earth who is able to have the similar experiences in whole package ? What if they are just reflections of the whole but none is reflecting the whole completely ?

I know that some are going through some similar experiences. However many of these people are running away in fear and getting in to paranoia and are diagnosed with mental diseases and conditions and some others are making mental stories about the experiences and have found a way to earn money.

Why is the ignorance of my mind so fixed and rigid, so powerful that the physical manifestations and external reality, I am witnessing cannot be enough prove or confirmation ?

The problem, the biggest problem is, I am always the witness of those manifestations. Every dream comes to my mind, every story I think about, manifest itself in the outer world, as a third person and I am again just an observer who is lacking and longing for all those stories and scenarios. At the other hand, whatever I experience and is so weird that I cannot talk about to anyone, comes out as a fiction movie some years after!

Dreams are telling me, some how I am running away from my Power for at least the last 3-4 years. I have been running around, wandering in awe and in disbelief and looking for some thing that is very much seemingly nowhere else to find than deep in my own being. What if It is my power I am looking for, hoping to find it there outside ? What if every time I see it so clearly I am automatically forced, probably as a result of a previous conditioning to give it away, give it to some one else ? The desire to find and encounter the One there outside, while the One is nowhere else to find than here inside. 

I confess. My mind cannot grasp. My human mind is just too fragile, too infirm and too exhausted.

But the calling doesn't stop, the Tiger doesn't give up chasing me.

I am always looking for answers, for knowing what to do. However I know there is no need for doing. However I know the challenge is just the integration of the being.

Moods have been alternating so drastically that I am sure the result of a conversation with a therapist will be many of the classical labels, from depression to schizophrenia but how can I explain to them that with that mind fluctuation also the reality changes ? How can I make it clear to them that physical reality and other physical being change and fluctuate with my mood's changes ? Why would I ever want to explain anymore to anyone?

What would I explain to them anyway ? That I follow stories and think about certain things and then I witness other people repeating the words in my mind or going through the same emotional or mental experiences as the stories in my mind ? Would I tell them that I talk about earthquakes and I repeat the word, 2 times and 2 huge earthquakes follow my conversation ? Would I tell them that I release my anger in a frenzy moment, while having talked about an explosion in the gulf of Mexico the day before and an Oil drilling unit explode in the other side of the world, in the gulf of Mexico and make the sea looks full of blood, exactly in the period of time that I am only thinking about the end of the world, I am reading constantly the book of revelation and the signs written in it ? Would I tell them that I meet people I do not know at all or did not meet in my life and I realize they are the manifestation of the stories in my mind, even the names are exact ? Would I tell them that I share my love with another being there outside and suddenly their dreams come in to reality, things they would never have thought possible ?

At the other hand, would I tell them that nothing in this world interest me and I have difficulty to feel life and as a human I feel so weak and so powerless ? Would I tell them that with all those stories behind, I have had only one desire and that one desire never happened and never manifested itself ? Would I tell them that I have been crying, begging god and universe to see a certain reflection there outside and every time I have had the feeling that I am encountering that one there outside, suddenly the whole reality had vanished in a wink of an eye and the whole experience left me behind in complete confusion and idiocy ?

It seems that I am the manifestation of the duality in whole that I am a powerful Word and at the same time a little, fragile mouse trapped by life, that I am not even able to cope with the human part of life, that my human life is just a collection of failures and defeats, a collection of denials and rejections, of confusions and feeling of stupidity and disappointments.

No. I don't need to explain anything to anyone any more. I don't need the confirmation of others and not even the confirmation of my own mind.

Truly, Truly, at this very moment, I accept my full power. I accept the wholeness of my being. In Gratitude to the universe and to the little fragile mouse of a human I am too. The one who had gone through all the mental challenges and is still present here. Conditions that many others had experienced in fear and in paranoia and I went through all with the power of Love. Love for God, Love for The One and obviously at the root of the story Love for Self, whom I have been searching for there outside for many eons.