Leaving Behind Stories

Last night I had a dream that left me lifeless for an almost whole day.

I was in my house talking to a woman who seemed to be very close to me. I was talking about some food i had prepared, i think about a delicious sauce. While talking to her, I noticed that many people where moving into my house. Almost all of them had heavy luggage with them. Some of them were friends or people i knew personally some others the faces were familiar but I didn't know them very well, some others were the friends of this lady i was talking to.

They all came in and sat in a big room, it was a movie room. The room was full and every body was watching the movie, i was sitting at the end of the room watching the movie, observing the audience and smoking a cigarette. I saw some other people were smoking too but at a certain moment i realized that many are smoking and the room was almost full of smoke. I turned off my cigarette and i cannot remember I hid it in my hand or i threw it away and i went to one of those people smoking, one that i knew personally and i asked him stop smoking. It was though like my voice was loud and every body could hear it, i told him, please don't smoke so much, my whole house will smell cigarettes. Suddenly every body stood up, they took their luggage with them and they left. In a fraction of a second the whole room was empty and again i was standing there talking to this lady who was leaving too. I told her, but i prepared some delicious sauce and she said that she took the sauce with her. She will prepare some chicken for them and they will eat it with the sauce and she left too, not even asking me to go with them. They just left. Every body was gone. Nobody even said good-bye to me. I went to my kitchen, feeling very lonely. I looked around; they left their garbage in my kitchen. I looked in the sink i saw they had washed the dishes but left the garbage in the sink and i saw 2 saucers, both broken. I took one of them in my hand and i was thinking these were the only 2 i had.

Next scene i was looking for another house to move and i could not find anything. The father of my first-born was there, it was like i didn't have a close connection to him but he was also helping me to find a house. There was a room there, i guess it was in his house. I felt like it was a place where i had lived in before or he had, i am not sure but i didn't want to open that door. However it was like i had memories of the room and i didn't want to live there anymore.

Then he showed me a room telling me that i could stay there till i find a new house. I looked in. It was a bedroom and it looked like my own furniture was put there. It was clean and neat and i was surprised how exactly my closet matched the wall of this room. At the same time i had this thought that, this is ok but anyway now i am going to leave in 3 days, on 29th.

I woke up, i felt no energy in my body, no life force at all. It was like my whole body was paralyzed, completely numb and i was crying. Crying because of all those who had left me alone, even without saying goodbye and left their garbage in my heart. All those to whom i had given my love and they threw me in a trash bin and broke heart.
I think I had fever too, as it was like my body is burning under the blanket and still no power to move even for a centimeter. I felt dead and didn't mind it at all. The whole day i was laying down in bed with no force in my body, falling asleep once in a while, having dreams and again waking up in the same situation. The only thought in my head was death and i was asking god to take me, to finish this, not because i am sad but because i am exhausted and tired and absolutely no energy, no motivation or drive to do anything in this life. I asked to be freed from this body and all its limitations. Once in a while, a thought came into my mind, about what i still can do, in order to come back into life and start again but i didn't want to do anything anymore. I just wanted to leave, leave this body, leave this form and never ever come back into this level of existence. I realized how broken my heart was and how many time I did my best to come back to life to start again and again my heart was broken, those i gave my love to, always broke my heart. I just realized that i do not have any power any more; nothing was left, completely drained.

I want to trust, but even trusting needs energy and i just don't have it anymore. They say i am a tough one but today i felt that i am not anymore, that i am empty, exhausted, abused, left behind, broken and trapped.

It seems that all the stories left my soul, they took my sauce with them too or a part of it, i cannot remember. Anyway i left that house too and however i was given a room that was suiting my furniture completely but i knew that i was going to leave in 3 days, on 29th.