Confusion

Of course it's not news to be in confusion during the experience of life in the last couple of years but this time is different. It's a kind of confusion, which is not disturbing. I can observe the confusion and I am aware of so many unanswered questions in my mind but still can remain calm. It's like there is a state of faithlessness, even some how anger with god for not knowing what was that everything, happened to me the last couple of years and at the same time a state of trust that I do not know but I accept it as it is now and it's ok.

After almost a week of being lifeless and just moving as a piece of meat, 2 days ago I started to feel life is coming back to my body, little by little. Was that my conscious choice? I cannot say Yes to that question with confidence but it came back.

It's like stories are dying and I feel rage because some have been so painful that I still cannot grasp why I had been through them and some are so precious and I have been so attached to them that I am in a kind of grief. However I know very well, to start anew I must let go of the old, how precious they are to me too and how much I love them, even-though some were not finished yet for my opinion.

The dream was tormenting my soul for some days, the emotions of being abused, being lonely, broken and trapped were ongoing but when the emotions started to reduce I was able to see some truth in it.

I realized that I let many in my heart and they all came with their luggage. They were all reflections though. When I stopped smoking, and I asked them not to make my house stink, they all left. Maybe that was the moment I took responsibility for my house. I stopped polluting my heart, my house and those reflections that were polluting my heart were not needed any more so they had all left. I was angry and lonely but I realize now those must have left my house.

They left their garbage in my kitchen, my mind and I was disappointed to see that. Even more disappointed and sad when I saw they broke my only 2 little plates I still had, but I accepted it in sorrow. Somewhere I read that a plate could mean the hunger for life and they broke my reason for living, there were 2, and some how it can represent the story of twin flame in my mind as 2 separated saucers/beings.

That which was not clear yet, was the fact that I left my house too. I became homeless, looking for a new house, new heart. As always when I ask the question the answer comes and this time too.

The last couple of years I have been taking the responsibility for the experiences as my own creation, so each time I had faced a painful situation, I looked at it as a part of me and didn't blame whatever was happening there outside. I accepted the dark as a part of myself being reflected in a mirror. However each time I saw beauty in an experience or in a mirror, never recorded that as a part of myself, just gave all the credit to the mirror. The dark was me, being reflected back to me and the light was the mirror which of course had left when its job was finished. In my own opinion I had become more and more ugly, only the dark. Step by step I had put myself out of my heart because I could not feel any beauty of my own. I left my house, my heart completely. Those who were polluting it, must have left and those who were the beauty had never become a part of me, so then all the reflections were gone at once and my house was empty. Maybe the meaning is that when I take responsibility for my house I do not need those reflections anymore but still, it was very painful and I was very lonely.

It was a big realization of course but at the same time a very sad one, which for I could not blame anyone other than myself. I realized that nobody has the ability to put me out of my heart; nobody has the power if I don't give them that power. I decided to take over my heart, to take over my house, to go back into my house, which is mine, even if its only me there in that house and I wrote this down. I decided and I asked support to be able to love myself to give my heart to me. Maybe this time Love is coming to reside and stay, my love, which is so huge. I have seen it, I have felt it each time I had a mirror in front of me where I could see the beauty in it and each time I felt it, my whole world started to shine. Maybe I left my house to make room for the real me to enter. All is possible but I must admit I DON'T KNOW.

I feel lonely, I feel empty but it's ok.

Whatever this process is and it was in moments so confusing and so painful, but I love it, I appreciate it and I am so grateful for having had this experience. At the other hand I am sad and I am angry, some times even feel abused, like a woman who had been raped by many and left alone to die. I desire to see result and I expect reward for all the suffering.

I have no plans, no desires or maybe I have desires but I cannot think about them anymore. It's like some thing keeping me from dreaming, because I am disappointed, for the result I had in my mind was not reached.

I lost every thing in this process, I gave away every thing and it's like still nothing there outside had changed. I became a lonely person with nothing material and nothing to look for or long for. Maybe I needed to loose everything material and emotional in order to win back mySelf. I do not know.

I feel fragile, weak and powerless.