How can the mind ever grasp the full potential ? When can it
get out of the illusion of schizophrenia and let me take responsibility as a
fully existent being ?
It's all so confusing and just too much for a human mind to
acquire. How and when can the demon of ignorance be conquered and the True Self
manifest it's Whole/Holy existence ? Where is this journey heading for ?
I have given up explaining my experiences to others. How can
i explain them and expect anyone to grasp, while they are not even to grasp by
my own human mind ?
I ask myself, why the need of explanation ? Am I looking for
confirmation from outside world? What if there is no one else on this earth who
is able to have the similar experiences in whole package ? What if they are
just reflections of the whole but none is reflecting the whole completely ?
I know that some are going through some similar experiences.
However many of these people are running away in fear and getting in to
paranoia and are diagnosed with mental diseases and conditions and some others
are making mental stories about the experiences and have found a way to earn
money.
Why is the ignorance of my mind so fixed and rigid, so
powerful that the physical manifestations and external reality, I am witnessing
cannot be enough prove or confirmation ?
The problem, the biggest problem is, I am always the witness
of those manifestations. Every dream comes to my mind, every story I think
about, manifest itself in the outer world, as a third person and I am again
just an observer who is lacking and longing for all those stories and
scenarios. At the other hand, whatever I experience and is so weird that I
cannot talk about to anyone, comes out as a fiction movie some years after!
Dreams are telling me, some how I am running away from my
Power for at least the last 3-4 years. I have been running around, wandering in
awe and in disbelief and looking for some thing that is very much seemingly
nowhere else to find than deep in my own being. What if It is my power I am
looking for, hoping to find it there outside ? What if every time I see it so
clearly I am automatically forced, probably as a result of a previous
conditioning to give it away, give it to some one else ? The desire to find and
encounter the One there outside, while the One is nowhere else to find than
here inside.
I confess. My mind cannot grasp. My human mind is just too
fragile, too infirm and too exhausted.
But the calling doesn't stop, the Tiger doesn't give up
chasing me.
I am always looking for answers, for knowing what to do.
However I know there is no need for doing. However I know the challenge is just
the integration of the being.
Moods have been alternating so drastically that I am sure
the result of a conversation with a therapist will be many of the classical
labels, from depression to schizophrenia but how can I explain to them that
with that mind fluctuation also the reality changes ? How can I make it clear
to them that physical reality and other physical being change and fluctuate
with my mood's changes ? Why would I ever want to explain anymore to anyone?
What would I explain to them anyway ? That I follow stories
and think about certain things and then I witness other people repeating the
words in my mind or going through the same emotional or mental experiences as
the stories in my mind ? Would I tell them that I talk about earthquakes and I
repeat the word, 2 times and 2 huge earthquakes follow my conversation ? Would
I tell them that I release my anger in a frenzy moment, while having talked
about an explosion in the gulf of Mexico the day before and an Oil drilling
unit explode in the other side of the world, in the gulf of Mexico and make the
sea looks full of blood, exactly in the period of time that I am only thinking
about the end of the world, I am reading constantly the book of revelation and
the signs written in it ? Would I tell them that I meet people I do not know at
all or did not meet in my life and I realize they are the manifestation of the
stories in my mind, even the names are exact ? Would I tell them that I share
my love with another being there outside and suddenly their dreams come in to
reality, things they would never have thought possible ?
At the other hand, would I tell them that nothing in this
world interest me and I have difficulty to feel life and as a human I feel so
weak and so powerless ? Would I tell them that with all those stories behind, I
have had only one desire and that one desire never happened and never
manifested itself ? Would I tell them that I have been crying, begging god and universe
to see a certain reflection there outside and every time I have had the feeling
that I am encountering that one there outside, suddenly the whole reality had
vanished in a wink of an eye and the whole experience left me behind in
complete confusion and idiocy ?
It seems that I am the manifestation of the duality in whole
that I am a powerful Word and at the same time a little, fragile mouse trapped
by life, that I am not even able to cope with the human part of life, that my
human life is just a collection of failures and defeats, a collection of
denials and rejections, of confusions and feeling of stupidity and
disappointments.
No. I don't need to explain anything to anyone any more. I
don't need the confirmation of others and not even the confirmation of my own
mind.
Truly, Truly, at this very moment, I accept my full power. I
accept the wholeness of my being. In Gratitude to the universe and to the
little fragile mouse of a human I am too. The one who had gone through all the
mental challenges and is still present here. Conditions that many others had
experienced in fear and in paranoia and I went through all with the power of
Love. Love for God, Love for The One and obviously at the root of the story
Love for Self, whom I have been searching for there outside for many eons.
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